Baby Frankenstein

New Year resolutions - seriously, who needs them? All it provides people is a chance to make trite statements on things they're never really gonna live out anyway.

 

I mean, let's face it - if you were gonna lose those 20 spare kilos, quit smoking and give up tequila, what makes you think you couldn't have done it in December? And given that you haven't... let's also face the fact that chances are next January's resolution will be to save up for gastric bypass, lung transplant and liver replacement surgery. Oh the dreams just get bigger.

 

Ohhh and in other but related news... celebs have been asked for their new year resolutions, and this piece of horror has emerged from the lips of the esteemed Paris Hilton...

 

I'd love to find the right guy and get married. I want to have kids in the next two or three years. I can't wait to have a little daughter and dress her up just like me!

 

read it and SHUDDER people.

the end times are nigh.

Hello....Goodbye

So i come home for the holidays and get to spend just 3 hours with greenstamps and rosita before they go off on their holiday. sigh. keeping in touch with friends is fricking hard y'all. Thankfully i have friends who actually make the effort or else i would be without friends. And seeing how it is almost Christmas i suppose i should wish for World Peace etc etc..but what about harsher punishments for parole violators?......what?!?!? get with the program. world peace is like so last season. All the cool people are thinking out of the box these holidays. Just heard also that Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump are having a feud and calling each other names. Hey Donald...the sparrow called he wants his nest back from off your head! and Rosie...Rosie rosie rosie...people in glass houses.....

Tis the season to be jolly...

Fa la fuck la la la.

 

Okay, seriously, there's something about Christmas this year that is seriously seriously pissing me off. In a bad way. Partly it's that the weather is just so not beahving right now - I mean this is summar goddamnit, and we have rain and cloud and shit. Well, not shit, because that would just be freaky weird, but you know.

 

So, I thought I'd make a hate list... because tis the season and all that. Here's a list of the things I hate right now, in no particular order...

• sales people who try to be your friend.... i'm sorry, you're a salesboy, i'm not. what do you think we could possibly have in common that would make me vaguely interested in which item you yourself own and love???
• travel agents... ok, these people prepare itineraries and make bookings for a living right? day in day out? then HOW COME they are physically incapable of completing ONE transaction without at least ONE fuck up?
• people who don't let you know what's happening - like ok, if you say 'let's talk at lunchtime, i'll email you' - i EXPECT an email... because do you expect me to freakin keep my day on ice for you?
• people with too much time on their hands and no inclination to do useful work. Yes, hello administration manager - do you think you could do anything USEFULLY administrative? oh sorry, i didn't realise your role meant you CREATE administration for the managers you work for... good!
• the need to be empathetic... oh yes, apparently this is the feedback for me... i have to be more empathetic. ok, so empathy is the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes and therefore demonstrate increased understanding for their issues, right? HELLO - why the fuck would i want to be in the shoes of some people i know??? not only are their shoes ugly, their ankles are fat. ew.
• parents who cannot manage their children. don't get me wrong - i know it's a hard job, i know children don't do what they're told. but seriously... you have a spoiled brat whining for chocolate. child cries, child cries, child wails, child acts like a possessed monkey... PARENT GIVES THEM THE CHOCOLATE. oh it's called reinforcement, people, look it up in a dictionary. while you're at it, look up 'incompetent' as well.
• FOBs... oh yes, we all know and hate FOBs... we just pretend to be all PC about it. oh, so now i've pushed this hate list too far, have i?

And that's all folks... merry christmas, have a lovely new year... i'll probably find more things to hate on soon, so check back in frequently, y'all!

Burning down the house

so now that i have bought a house i thought that it was the end of all my worries. oh how wrong i was!! turns out before the actual settlement the bitch ass solicitors have to muck things up and almost cause me to lose the house. arrrghhh. and then they phone me up on a Friday afternoon just before closing down for the weekend and ask me to urgently call them back. and that is the one day that i am caught up in theatre and finish 2 hours late. sigh....what was that about Murphy's law?

Blood Makes Noise

so i was at this course at the university and there was this NERDY dweeb sitting next to me....and me being the friendly guy that i am start chatting about nothing at all trying to be pleasant as we are gonna be sitting next to each other for the next 8 hours. and the lecturer starts talking about anemia and blood loss and then asks a rhetorical question about why women are more prone to developing anemia. and this dipstick besides me starts screaming "MENSTRUATION...MENSTRUATION"...i couldn't disappear into the ground fast enough. i was all like seriously dude i don't ever want to hear those words coming from a guy's mouth.

 

there are some things that are just not uttered by a guy and menstruation is one of them. period....wait..haha..did you see what i did there...a pun ...i is smart. hmmm or not. also is it OK for guys to say panties or should we just say undies? i got raked over the coals at work the other day for saying panties. i mean, come on. but whatev.....i don't really freaking give a rat's arse.

in the summertime...when the weather is fine

how do you know it is summer? easy.....people follow you to your car so they can get your parking space at the mall. personally i haven't done it myself but i have always wanted to do it. though i can't really be arsed doing it. i would rather just fuck off and go to another less crowded mall. But all the Ede-jets at the mall who are frantically doing their Christmas shopping are driving me nuts with the JUNK that they are buying. seriously who the fuck needs a 'poker for kids game' or a talking robot dog? your kids need to go out and play and enjoy the sunshine bitches! and then you wonder how they became obese?? get a freakin' clue already bogan!!!

waiters and waitresses...

I have to complain about one more really really annoying thing. Ok - waitress takes our orders. There's me, and one (count them) other person. 15 minutes later she comes back with the food... and asks who ordered the eggs benedict. excuse me, the special needs goldfish with short term amnesia just called - he wants his brain cell back.