you had me at hello....

seeing how this is the silly season, here's some silly news. Apparently this christian group in the US want to change the word "hello" to "heaven-o" because they think that saying hello is against god's will. Okay why don't we just go and change other offensive words as well...how about we change "country music" to ..er... "georgebushisa-ry" music. just a thought.

 

Also in the news, how the organisers of a Christmas parade in the US were not allowed to show posters for this new movie called "The nativity story" which is about the birth of Jesus. and the reason for this was....wait for it.....it might offend some non-Christians. sometimes i just wish the idiot middle class of America would just up and die. DIE BITCHES DIE. Faster Pussycat KILL KILL

Fade into you

..by Mazzy Star. one of those songs that can almost bring me to tears. ( almost ).  i have been feeling really weird for the last 2 weeks and i can't put my finger on it exactly. and this song just does it for me this week. arrgh. bloody emos are getting to me. now all i have to start doing is wearing eyeliner and start losing 50 pounds so that i can fit into size 28 black skinny jeans and i can be an emo too and hang out at hungry jacks in the city.

 

No but i don't know why? maybe it is a male time of the month??!!? is there such a thing? maybe i should just start eating healthier and exercising more but that requires work so...hmmmm i don't know.

 

happier times: i have finally bought a house. the agent called me up to tell me my offer had been expected on the day before my first exam. i wanted to vomit and slit my wrists at the same time. bastard. i was already so stressed out and then he tells me this. so now i have to organise lawyers and inspection and loans and study as well for 12 exams in 10 days. hmmmm....oh and did i mention i have to also fly off to another city to do these exams for 5 days out of the 10. so i won't be able to actuallty be there for the important parts. AARRRRGHHHH. fate is a cruel beyatch.

Bullshit

Ok... have you heard the news about snoop dogg getting busted? It's just SO bullshit.

 

Oh I'm so impressed with cops... their detective work, their tireless investigation... they've tracked down SNOOP DOGG! where? oh just at the jay leno show, where the entire country knew he'd be. Oh and then they showed up and searched him! And what did they find? Oh gosh dang... they found ILLEGAL weapons... and DRUGS... drugs are baaaaad, mmmkay!

 

What a surprise!!! Snoop dogg? with weapons? and drugs? NO! Oh i'm so relieved, so grateful that the police have rid the country of this eeeevil, eeeeevil threat to public safety! Oh just by putting him in jail for a while, you know, but still! Relieved!

 

Because catching Osama bin Laden would be too hard. Meh.

If i lay here...if i just lay here....

first week of exams over..huzzah huzzah.  weird thing today during afternoon exams. the girl opposite me and i were both answering the same question. i knew coz i could see over into her paper. after the exams she was all like "i saw you writing so much for the last question and so i started to write a lot more as well". and i was all like..."yeah..cool". now the thing was that i saw her writing so much for the last question that i actually started writing a whole lot more as well. beeeatch. guess we both suck.

 

on a another note... how much do i dig Snow Patrol and Muse. two of the coolest bands at the moment.

--

Material Girl

Why is it that so many stores, service providers and other random takers-of-our-money REFUSE to put their services online? Why do they insist on requiring us to make personal contact with them.... call our call centre, email us, call us during office hours, come visit our store... NO THANKS!

 

I mean, I like people... I like being social... but only with people I actually like! Which is like 5 individuals, maybe 6. So when faced with the prospect of having a 2 minute conversation with the pizza shop person, I'd rather not bother, thank you very much. I'd much rather order online...

 

And who likes shop assistants? NOT ME. First of all, don't ask me if I'm okay just browsing... of course I'm okay. Do you see me writhing on the floor in discomfort? Do you see me tearing at my hair with indecision? I don't think so. And then, even if you do request assistance (more fool you...) the type of assistance is atrocious. "He doesn't like pink or girly stuff" you say. "Oh this tie is lovely" they say, holding up the pink stripes with floral patterns. Are those ears growing out of the side of your head, or are you just stupid to see me?

 

Retail therapy - hate the doctor, love the cure.

Ok no one likes...

... a smart arse. TEQUILA i'm talking to you! hahaha... ok seriously, whatever. It's like that guy in that movie said... "truth? you can't handle my truth!". or something.

anyway - i went to the zoo on sunday and i gotta ask - what is it about zoos that makes grown men and women act like complete idiots? people, the animals in the zoo are there ALL THE TIME. they have become very very accustomed to human visitors. they're not gonna wake up, do tricks or pose for photos just because you click your fingers, make little cooing or sucking noises at them, tap on the glass or wire barrier, or call out 'monkey! monkey!' in sotto voice. give it UP!

and why are people also unable to monitor their children at places like that? like hello... little johnny may be lovely, but maybe he's also not one bit interested in the damn animals. given that all he wants to do is run around screaming - why not take him to a PARK? or better yet, a small solitary cell with chinese water torture. But that's just mean.

Oh and one priceless moment... there's a new tiger, Oz, and he is gorgeous. So this mum is there with her little boy and he's playing with some dirt while she gawps at the tiger. She notices he's not gawping with her so she yells at him "Will you stop mucking around and come look at the tiger!". Way to get your children to love nature and appreciate new experiences, woman!

Meep.

quote unquote

you know what i hate most??? poeple who quote lines from movies and get them WRONG. if you are going to quote lines make sure they are word for word...GREENSTAMPS i am talking to you. now Zoolander is one of the most quote-tastic movies of all time. and the line that was spoken was .."what is this? a school for ants?...how can they learn to read if they can't even get in through the door...its needs to be, at least,..TWICE as big".

and it wasn't the city that was building the school. it was Mugatu (will ferrell), the creator of Derelicte.

Gawd how much do i hate people who render the tapestry of a funny movie!! mer *man*

 

on another note, i finally got the "office Space" dvd. i don't know why but that movie always picks me up after a bad day at work. Watch it, love it.

Testing 1... 2... 3...

Who doesn't love www.tickle.com??? I know i do :)

go find out your panty personality people... i'm a string bikini....

Zoolander...

Ok how stupid is this. Auckland is in this BIG debate as to whether they should upgrade their old stadium (Eden Park) or build a new waterfront stadium. Now, you'd think this would be a straightforward, logical debate, based on facts and trade-offs. but NOT SO people.

 

just this morning there was a little vote which led to voting for the waterfront stadium. and this was they brilliant argument one of our dear councillors came up with...

After the vote opponents of the waterfront site were visibly upset.  "This is an appalling decision," said councillor Christine Caughey.  

She had earlier said the Government was "holding a gun to our heads" and the stadium would be three times the size of the largest downtown office block.

"Imagine that on the edge of our harbour - Auckland will be like a Noddy town, dwarfed by this monstrosity."  

Yes. Because that's a great example of leadership with vision... "we're really small now, let's not build anything big" [yes! maybe our small blocks will just grow and flourish organically!] ... and "it's bigger than an office block" [yeah, it's a STADIUM, a STADIUM]...

 

totally reminds me of the scene from Zoolander... Derek wants to build a school for kids who can't read good, and as his reward, the city unveils a model of the school they are giving him. Derek's response - "What is this? Some kind of joke??? This isn't big enough for the children! it's a school for ANTS! it needs to be at least... twice as big!"

 

BLUESTEEL!

Are you in or out?

I was at the gym last night, at the one class I go to, in the vain pretense that it will actually make any difference, not that I really care... but sorry, back to my point. I was at the gym and I haven't been to classes in a couple of weeks, so one of the 'regulars' challenged me on where I was. I gave my lame excuse and he said... 'Commitment - bacon and eggs, dude!'. So i looked puzzled and said 'uhhhh' (i know, i'm SO eloquent).

 

And he said 'Bacon and eggs - the chicken's involved, the pig is COMMITTED'.

 

It took me a couple of minutes to work it out, but I really like it!!!

drugs are baaad...mmmkay

i like movies. i liked Robert Altman and i like Lindsay Lohan. but seriously though LiLo's ramblings on the passing of Robert Altman have left me a bit puzzled...

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2006-11-21-lindsay-statement_x.htm

Don't they usually have publicists for this sort of thing? There you go folks. Stars, they are just like us-can't spell and prone to speaking while on drugs...... What?? like you don't do drugs and go parting all night and sleep with everyone in hollywood. Dude you need to get a life.

X marks the spot

I think i need to talk about how great "The Fountain" looks. Now i am not the hugest Hugh Jackman fan but this movie looks amazing. Can't wait for it to come to Oz. sadly it is going to take about 3 months before it opens here. damn Australian movie distributors. Also on my must see list are "Borat" and "jackass 2". i know they are filled with toilet humor but hey...toilet humor is the shit.

 

My new favourite show has gotta be "Standoff" which stars Ron Livingston and Rosemarie Dewitt. Got three words for you Rosemarie...hOt, Hottie, hOt. also it has Gina Torres from Firefly in it which is always a plus for me. (miss firefly so much-damn you joss whedon).

Hamming it up.

http://www.ibelieveinadv.com/2006/11/concordia-childrens-services-piglets/

 

how disturbing is this. at first i thought it was an ad for pork.....(yeah like feed pork to your kids???!!??!) ...but then i found out it is for childrens right or some shit. wow...hmmmm.....no still don't see the connection. tacky, tasteless, toe-curlingly awful...

Boo...HIss

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061122/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_brazil_dogcats

okay so the scientists had to go and spoil the fun. Whatever. now i am looking forward  to a true catdog. like the one in the cartoon...except i have always wondered where they shit from. no seriously has anybody else ever wondered that? no?.....okay so i am the only one who analyses cartoons and jokes......big deal.

and on another note, i won tickets to see a movie " A guide to recognising your saints". ....and the award for coolest title of the year goes to. it seems to be about someone coming back home and their old neighbourhood and ..yeah. its free and ima gonna watch it.

finally i am in the process of buying a house and let me tell you it is the worst thing ever. why do people want to be greedy and demand a huge price for their piece of shit house? its not like it is a huge mansion or whatever. do they really expect people to just pay a silly amount for a rubbish property? huh? huh? you ask a silly price and i will put in a silly offer. sounds reasonable to me. so take that Mr.thisisnotareasonableoffer.

Wolf Creek

I watched this last night on DVD... hmmm, according to the cover, it's the best Australian movie since Lantana! Now I saw Lantana, and I don't think that's a very high standard to aspire to, but never mind. So anyway, back to wolfie... it was actually quite a disturbing flick. And really well done in many respects - very brutal, no sugar coating, and they really used the isolation and vastness of the outback to give you a sense of foreboding and terror. Most cool.

 

BUT... why does every movie which features female victims have to show them making the same mistakes??? Namely...

1. Make a lot of loud panting, squealing, sobbing noises that will immediately give away your hiding place

2. Make daring attempts such as getting keys from the villain's pocket while he's out cold, or returning to the scene of the crime to get something

3. When you do manage to incapacitate the villain, leave him only partially hurt - don't bother finishing the job, he won't get back up!

4. Instead of hustling your behind and getting out of there, stop to explore the villain's secret lair - check out his trophy board and other torture paraphernalia

5. Split up and make vague plans like 'if I'm not back in 5 minutes, head for the road, I'll catch up!'

 

ohhh it annoys the hell out of me. I so couldn't focus on being scared for the rest of the movie - all I could think was, you stupid beotch, you DESERVE IT!!!

Haters...

...they gonna hate!

 

Seriously I'm so anti-haters at this point. The idiots who can't be bothered doing original thinking for themselves, but love to pick holes in everyone else's ideas. And not well constructed, logical holes - oh no! - just blanket statements 'no that won't work' 'no this won't add value' 'oh we already do that'. Seriously, who needs that? What exactly do they get off on, in life? Do they not realise that their complete inability to add value through any sort of positive suggestion just makes their lives a complete, pointless waste of time? And really... do they ever wonder what would become of the world if they weren't there to naysay every idea, to brick wall all progress? Oh what a loss to humankind.

 

Hate the haters, people.

ANTM

Okay, how much do I love America's Next Top Model... that show is simple the best. Last episode was great... one model interviews "we had no idea what was going on?!" and i just cracked up... i mean, that must be her permanent state of being, right?

False idols

how much do i hate Australian idol?? all these 13 year old girls driving the show to prime ratings annoys me to no end. the final 2 singers both have no personality, the boy sings like a girl and the girl is a skank. and don't even get me started on the hosts. as my dad would say, " they look like paffy boys". and what is a paffy boy i hear you ask. its someone whose hair is bigger than their face...Andrew G i am talking to you. the other guy looks like he would rather be off somewhere stalking someone on a cold dark night. and seriously who abbreviates their surname???? most people abbreviate their first name.....another tragic bites the dust.

 

on a brighter note, "so you think you can dance" is the funniest show ever. basically its like Australian idol except people dance instead of sing.  last night this skinny UGLY chick started dancing and then she did this back flip and her wig and fake breasts fell out and it was revealed that she was in fact a he. mwahahahaha. the judges faces were priceless. sadly everything is only going to go downhill from there.

 

Waiting for fame...

I have to say, i'm shocked that more people haven't been sucked into the swirling vortex of cool that is the green stamps & tequila blog. What's wrong with you people anyway? Obviously no taste. Oh what...? shouldn't insult the reader you say? Well... i don't know. I looked at TIME magazine at the supermarket, and i didn't see our blog on the what's hot pages at the back... and to me, that just says it all.

 

More seriously, it is interesting how things get popular, right? I mean, how on earth does anyone on the internet make money? like you have SO many sites - all quite fun - that do quizzes, and puzzles, and random name generators, and tv recaps, and music maps... and sure they all have adverts on their sites, and i don't know about you, but i NEVER click on any of them. so i have no idea how they generate enough revenue to keep going... but there you have it.

 

speaking of advertising and content and general stuff... why is it that there aren't more dj-free radio stations around? i would have thought that the best formula for a radio station would be to have tonnes of great music, interspersed with some ad breaks to make money, and (this is the important bit)... NO TALKING. no call-ins, no celeb-gossip, no intros to the songs... just the title and artist announcement, followed by the music.

 

and i also don't understand businesses that DON'T allow you to complete all your transactions with them ONLINE. i hate having to speak to call centre people (no offense intended, mindless talk monkeys) because let's face it - my voice is precious, my time is precious, i like to choose whom i spend both on.

 

but it's not that i'm antisocial... i just don't like most people.

Oh this is priceless, people...

I had to check out MADD's website, because I got into a big debate on whether the crap email was for real or not... I'm a firm believer that no legitimate organisation EVER uses stupid email petitions, because they are so BOGUS. i mean, none of the names is verified, none of the addresses are included, etc etc.

 

So I checked out the MADD website when I should have been doing countless productive things like working, exercising, shopping or sleeping. Full text below... slightly edited to remove the 'plugs' for MADD and the links, because i can't be bothered promoting their cause, beyond saying... good on them for not being part of a stupid spamail campaign :)

 

I received an email petition accompanied by a poem about a young girl killed by a drunk driver. Is this petition sponsored by MADD? What happens to the signatures? 

The petition circulating via e-mail accompanied with the poem titled "I Went to a Party Mom" did not originate with nor is it endorsed by MADD.

While the petition you received probably began with good intentions, MADD did not initiate the campaign. Some variations of the e-mail use language that we feel to be inappropriate. Moreover, the e-mail asked you to act in a manner that does little to advance the fight against drunk driving.

The mission of Mothers Against Drunk Driving is to stop drunk driving, support the victims of this violent crime, and prevent underage drinking. Thank you again for your support.

And one more...

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my greenstamps.

 

I'll stop now, people.

Hi my name is...

Bitchass? Where we're going we don't need bitchass.

 

I had to try it...

hi..my name is..

Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my tequila, in this life or the next.

ok this is a cool site. basically you type your name in and it generates a phrase from a movie. mwahahahaha. i like the tequila one ..just so perfect.

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/movie.php?word=+tequila

I like this

Check this out people... it's like an online role playing game... but it's cool.

 

www.popomundo.com

 

Basically you get to create a character (mine is Sonia Zerwes, based in Rio de Janeiro) and then get to create a band or solo act... you get to talk to people, earn money, get a job, buy clothes... and best of all, work on songs which you can release and try and get them on the top rock/pop/etc charts!!!

 

it's really quite geeky, really quite cool... and the site background image is SO fantastic.

i wanna be a rockstar... a dirty, dirty rockstar...

Stand up, be counted, etc.

Milton Friedman, who's like an economist guru has died at age 94... When he died he was still working on spreading sound economics on free markets and monetary policy, through a documentary for American public television. He was just incredible... one of the founding fathers of a lot of the stuff we take for granted now, from central bank focusing on reducing inflation, to voluntary military service instead of the draft.

 

Which is all not so sad given that he lived a really long and productive life. But quite sad that another brilliant, rational, talented, contributing member of society has passed away, and is probably being replaced as we speak by 5000 average, boring, untalented economics students who only went into it because it was a steady job and they weren't gutsy enough to go for the career in music they really wanted.

 

Someone told me the other day that the only feedback they got from their parents was to do what was safe. Seriously people - show some nerve and do something you actually care about. You know, something you'd like to be doing at 94 because it means that goddamn much to you, and you don't give a fuck who knows it. Sorry about the profanity. I only do it to be cool.

 

http://www.economist.com/agenda/displayStory.cfm?story_id=8190872&fsrc=RSS

We all have opinions

...but some of them are just STUPID! Ok... there's a celeb article about lindsay lohan and how she may be self harming because there's some photos with some cuts on her wrist, right. Now ok, fair enough, the cuts do look really similar to self inflicted ones... but you know, whatever. Fun part is that lots of bored housewives have commented on the article, providing gems such as "I almost feel sorry for the poor girl. Almost." [yeah bitch, she's richer than you and she probably doesn't give a fuck what you think] or "Ms. Lohan had better get her butt back to LA... LA loves a trainwreck." [Shame LA don't love you or your butt, chicky!]. But my favourite comment was this... "This girl is looking for attention, she turns up for functions with a bandage on her wrist... this is obviously going to attract some curiosity. The photograph showing her wrist is clearly a pose this is not a normal position to relax your arm." Obviously ms. psychoanalyst (her name's Suzy, from Preston...) understands the intricacies of body language and human behaviour. But to me, the photo looks like a perfectly normal way of relaxing an arm... i must be stupid or something. I wonder when Suzy from Preston will release a book... 100 Natural Ways to Relax Your Arm. Check out the photo people...

Drinking away me sorroooows....

Someone sent me this really powerful message by email so i thought i'd share in its entirety.

And when i say really powerful message, i mean marshmallow pile of crap.

I went to a party,

And remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mum

So I had a sprite instead. I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would, That I didn't drink and drive,

Though some friends said I should. I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right,

The party finally ended,

And the kids drove out of sight. I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,

I never knew what was coming, Mum Something I expected least. Now I'm lying on the pavement, And I hear the policeman say,

The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,

Mum, his voice seems far away. My own blood's all around me, As I try hard not to cry.

I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die. I'm sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high,

Because he chose to drink and drive, Now I would have to die. So why do people do it, Mum Knowing that it ruins lives?

And now the pain is cutting me, Like a hundred stabbing knives. Someone should have taught him, That it's wrong to drink and drive.

Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mum I'm getting really scared.

These are my final moments, And I'm so unprepared. I wish that you could hold me Mum, As I lie here and die.

I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mum!"

So I love you and good-bye. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) IS HOPING TO GET 5,000 SIGNATURES ON THIS, PASS IT ON TO SIGN. When this petition has reached 5,000, please return it to: MADD P.O. Box 541688 Dallas, TX75354-1688 1-800-GET-MADD (1-800-438-6233)

If you receive this petition and do nothing but delete it, your selfishness knows no bounds. Signing is such a small effort to make. After you have read the poem, please add your name at the bottom. And never forget, DON'T EVER DRINK AND DRIVE , not even once, thinking that it won't matter. IT DEFINITELY WILL MATTER!!!

---

Yes people. because first of all, the poem sucks. Secondly, wtf is sending 5000 names to anyone going to accomplish???

Ohhh look, 5000 people support sober driving... maybe every country in the world should make drunk driving ILLEGAL!!! yes, yes, let's lobby for that!!! hurrahhh.... oh wait. that's already been done. um, okay. i guess we'll just er... continue to er... lobby. Yeah.

But the worst thing is... there's like 1000 names on the bottom already. That's 1000 people with stupidity factors set to extra high, and gullibility dials set to death-com-ten!

So anyway. Let's all support MADD. Because finding a cure to AIDS would be too hard.

Jingle Bells

Friday night Old early X'mas Joke:

The three wise men arrived to visit the child
lying in the manger. One of the wise men was
exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph
"It's better than Derek

Dear lie

here is a strange fact. You can make false statements in the Australian Parliament and you cannot be sued for deformation. Its all because of parliament privilege.

WHAT THE FUCK??????

so if i say "George Bush sucks goats".. legally i can be sued for deformation. but if one of the ministers in the parliament chamber says "all Muslims are terrorists" he cannot have anything done about it. So lets see, they get paid the big bucks, get free cars and numerous perks and they can lie and not get prosecuted. Oh that's just GREAT.....where do i sign up.

.....and by great i mean not great.

 

Little known fact: the dot over the letter i is called a tittle.

Friday night riddle::    if a quiz is quizzical.....what is a test...?? 

apocalypse nears....

mwahahahh...pissing myself laughing when i read this..

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=416816&in_page_id=1770

 

now we only need TomKat to get married and procreate and we will be in hell....wait...hang on.......whats that. ....

Kim Beazley..you FAT FUCK

as above. Kim Beazley, the inglorious bastard leader of the opposition, has made a cock up as usual.

 

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=163411

 

man i really really hate this guy. i dont really involve myself in politics but this guy pushes all my buttons..and not in a good way. no wonder he will always be a has been.

You ain't got no (chocolate) balls

I was listening to london bridge the other day... not voluntarily i might add... and i have to say, the lyrics of the song SO do not support any interpretation that london bridge is a position. i mean, what 'every time you come around, my position_with_four_people wanna go down'... hmm. yeah. so the shock of someone walking in on them makes the little menagarie come tumbling to the ground? whatever.

 

it's like come on people, if you're gonna go make a provocative song at least have the decency or indecency to actually have lyrics that make sense... but no, the artists basically come up with something that *could* be interpreted scandalously if everything goes well, or can be quickly changed to something noncontroversial, if the bible bashers turn up at the party with their 'high on life' badges and 'choose life' posters.

 

another example... kellis... and that milkshake song. ok, the lyrics are 'my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they like it better than yours, i could teach you but i'd have to charge'... all providing a lyrical background to some a$$-shaking and booty-bumping. so what does little kellis have to say? 'oh a milkshake is whatever makes a woman feel confident, you know'. COME ON. what utter BS... she's so obviously backing down, what's wrong little K? too scared that the ladies at church will snigger behind their little paper fans?

 

Oh and i still remember chrissie ag and genie in a bottle... it's not about sex, it's about confidence.

 

That's a lot of nekkid confidence going around... can i get a slice? Whipped cream on the side please, and some hot runny sauce, with an extra thick dark chocolate stick and... what???! it's CAKE i'm talking about! meh.

You've got mail.

okay so a relative sent me this *special message* saying i had to read this as i work in a hospital. the message in its entirety below:

 

Pleas forward this to as many people you know....This is a real incident that happened in a hospital

 

A four year old girl was admitted due to leg fracture. As it was an open fracture, she had to undergo an operation to stitch the protruding bone back in place.

Though it was quite a minor operation, she was hooked on to a life support system, as a part of the process. The doctors had to input some data prior to the operation to suit different conditions.

Thereafter, the operation proceeded. Half way through the process, the life support system suddenly went dead.

The culprit: "Someone was using his/ her mobile phone outside the operation theatre. And the frequency had affected the system. They tried to track the fellow but to no avail. The little girl, young and innocent
as she was, died soon after. Sad to say, she was the only child.

Message:

Be compassionate! Do not use your mobiles specially at any hospitals or within the Aircraft or any places where you are told not to
use it. You might not be caught in the act, but you might have killed someone without knowing.

Sometimes it's a matter of Life & Death....!!!!

Please pass this to as many, since most of us are just not aware of the seriousness of this issue

 

 

Come on...why do people even bother? Anyone who sends chain emails should be slippered to within an inch of their life with a bata chappal. I hate HAte HATE these emails. and they always seem to start in some dip shit University somewhere deep in the US or from some University in India. arrrghh there is a special place in hell for the originators of these emails. Must be some fucked up life support machine that gets interfered with by a fucking mobile phone. Maybe they should upgrade i think to a better life support machine.

You are so bright, you are my light

Ohhh… isn't it great. Do we need any more proof that basically academics and researchers need to get a REAL JOB? This brilliant article just says it all…

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10411011

Basically they reckon that new zealand kids aren't getting enough sunshine and vitamin D because of…. Hoodies!!! Yes. They are blaming clothing for ill-health. I also like the fact that after all these years of being told to cover up with sunglasses, sunhats and robes…. We're now told we don't have enough sun-exposure.

I know, I know… why don't they research a cure for AIDS???

You complete me....

okay i heard this on the net today. You know how Tom Cruise is getting married this weekend. well that little bitch ass hasn't invited Oprah Winfrey to the wedding. I mean like ..hello! First he destroys the poor woman's couch and and then he dosen't even invite her to his wedding. Didn't even buy her a new couch. Won't someone please think about the couch!!!

 

Also i watched Mission Impossible 3 last night and you know it was really good. The first movie was really stylish but made no sense, the second one sucked major ass and this one rocked. But throughout the whole movie i really wanted to slipper Tom. And for all those out there who don't know what "to slipper" means , it means to use your rubber jandal (thong, flip-flop) to whack someone else. Every time i saw Tom he made me want to chuck something. I don't know if that's because he has corrupted the one and only joey potter or if its because he believes that an alien lives deep inside all of us. But whatev....I still liked the movie.

On another note, those subway ads on tv with Jon Lovitz crack me up. especially the one with the rapper. When he goes "hollllaaaaa" it is the funniest thing ever. The worst part is i laugh everytime that ad comes on. And i am still not over it. so sue me already.

I could sing of your stupidity... for ever....

Okay okay, partay partay. This blog could be about stupid people and seriously I could write about it FOREVER. because how is it possible that there are so many stupid people in the world, and magically they ALL seem to be in my acquaintance. I don't understand it... but in some ways I'm grateful, because it makes me laugh. Or scream. Or scribble in black marker pen all over photographs that I find in magazines. Um.

 

Anyway - our brilliant new admin woman at work. Ooh ahh wonderbar you say - of course she's going to be stupid, she's in admin. Not so, people, not so! I know lots of smart admin people... none of them are asian, but you know. Ok but she's not asian either, so she has everything going for her, right? But no! She's naturally dumb! She's a born idiot! She's a complete potato head, seriously. She just sent out a 9MB file... to EVERYONE at our work (ohhh it's only like 60 people) - most of whom are on dial up connections out at different client locations... or worse still, on blackberries people!

 

So, anyway, that's not the only bit that made me laugh. The bit that made me laugh was that someone else sent her some really detailed instructions on how to just send links to the files next time... and she commented that she'd received the 'guide to email for dummies'. It's like, hello self-awareness, this is dumb-ass, I think you'll both get on famously.

 

Ooh and I have to share another Indian-themed stupid. Another white boy, another conversation. 'I hear Bombay's a happening place now...' 'Actually, it's Mumbai now.' 'Oh, really? Is Mumbai better to go to these days?'................oh oh oh. What's that big white thing with writing on it that you're using as toilet paper? Oh, a NEWSPAPER you say! Fascinating.

egg foo young

so continuing with the Asian bashing. This one time i order an iced coffee at the Asian eatery. Now i know, stupid me for expecting it to be good. So anyway the order comes and guess what. it is coffee all right but with ice cubes as well. Cause it  makes perfect sense. Adding ice cubes to coffee makes it ......ICE COFFEE. the sad thing is i actually liked it. so shame on me for being a hypocrite. but I'm just saying is all.

 

Meanwhile the lady at the asian takeaway near my house knows me too well.. Yesterday when i ordered sweet and sour pork she was shocked and asked me why i was ordering something different. well at least she cares i suppose.

 

Though  i have always had a really good relationship with takeaway places. When i was at University, one night while ordering takeaways the owner invited me to have dinner with his family that night. and after that he always gave me extra chips or bbq pork whenever i went there again. I guess i just have the words "food connoisseur" written all over me....or "raging glutton" but really whats the difference?

 

 

Sir Paul... I can do jokes too

Okay, while your senses of humour are turned down low from that atrocious Indian joke... Here are some more. The first few made me laugh and then my attention span, which is turned down permanently to infinitesimal, let me down. So I'm hoping the rest are funny too. Actually I couldn't give a flying fyck because it's not me having to read them.... Anyway... Enjoy.

--- It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney: I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

Damn Asians...

Ok this isn't actually about asians at all... i mean, other than the fact that they come to our country and take our jobs, damnit. but i can say that because i married an asian. i love that. i reckon we should all go out and make one spouse/best friend/room mate/soul mate/lover from each of the minority races. because then you basically get total licence to fully insult them!!! and all you have to say is "oh, but i can say that because my [insert_relationship] is [insert_minority]" and everyone nods and laughs. and even the minority folk are like vaguely embarrassed at having felt insulted. but, moving on from my shameless capitalisation on korean husbands and german supermen...

 

so, that was just a provocative title... i was really gonna just have a little rant about places that employ incompetent people. hahaha asian or otherwise, y'know y'all? here's some examples right... asian cafe (we're back to the asians!) and i tell the waiter what i want. he no understanding. so i tell him the NUMBER of the item i want. he writes it down. comes back to me 5 minutes later and says 'did you want it with rice or noodles'. RICE, beatch, because that's number 38. If i wanted noodles i would have asked for number 26, RIGHT?

 

then i was at this little corner store, buying a bottle of water, some chippies (mmm salt and vinegar, all the way, chicken sucks as does sour cream and chives) and a pack of gum. ms thang behind the counter (NOT asian... just 'white' generic) can't remember the price of a SINGLE item... ok, your little lame-ass shop only sells five and a half items, so perhaps you could spend a little more energy walking the long long aisles and memorising, it would do you more good than sitting on YOR BEEE-HIND. and then, ms thang cannot add up the prices and calculate correct change. seriously. she has to COUNT OUT LOUD.

 

now, i have no problems with my hairdresser being bad at math. no problems with my driver being bad at math. no problems with my cleaning lady being bad at math. but the cornerstore lady.... damn, woman, this is the ENTIRETY of your job, day IN day OUT, you ADD UP PRICES, you TELL US THE TOTAL, you GIVE ME CHANGE. vegetation has more sparkle.

 

and finally... because you really need THREE examples of idiocy to round it all out... the thing that pisses me off more than anything, is cafes where they give you a number to put on your table, and then STILL manage to come to your table three times with someone else's order. Or come walking through, plaintively asking 'flat white? trim flat white?'. it's like come on party people. it's called basic numeracy... like literacy, only easier, because there's only 10 digits to remember. maybe you could just imprint the pretty pictures the numbers make in your mind and play matching games.

 

ohhhh.... compulsory sterilisation, bring it!

Made in India

sigh...someone sent me this joke. kinda funny if you turn your sense of humor right down low..... There was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy of 5-6 years old. Their relationship was turning sour. So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than carry on such a relationship. So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the kid. In the hearing in the court. It was decided that this choice should be left on the kid. So the judge asked "Son, would you like to stay with your mummy?" Kid said,"No, mummy beats me" :(( So the judge asked "Then, would you like to stay with your papa then ?" Kid said, "No, papa beats me" :(( Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do... after pondering for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child...... And he gave the judgment that the kid would stay with...... Indian Cricket Team because they NEVER BEAT ANYBODY!! Hoo ha India....!!!!

Riki Tiki Tavi

now i have never had a speeding ticket or any traffic infringments. Dosen't mean i am a safe driver. Just means that i use back streets to get home to avoid getting caught after a big night. but i don't think i would stoop to this guy's level. like EVER.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=161775

not in a million years....not even in a bazillion years. though in a bazillion years everyone will be riding in bubbles which looks kinda cool....(watch "the fountain" with hugh jackson..awesome movie though i don't get it...but the effects are good) ..snakes freaking' scare me worse than people who have divergent eyes. but thats another rant for another post.

 

Cats are so cool

Ok seriously how cool is my cat? His name is rusty... because he purrs like a rusty lawnmower... ok everyone all at once... oohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So much cuter than stupid ugly fish. I say eat the fish, kill them all, and feed them to the cats. Heyaah. Oh and how much of a mess is my house, in the background, seriously??? Cleanliness is so overrated. Sign of a frigid woman, I say. Ok dee, I'm outtie.

Wicked Recaps

Ok... i totally love this website, i know it's in the page links (but seriously who looks at those) - but here it is again... www.televisionwithoutpity.com I was reading the America's Next Top Model recaps last night and ohhhh i love them. I mean that is totally a fantastic show as well, i'm so bad that if i have to miss it i get one of my workmates to dvd-record it for me. because i don't have a dvd recorded, duh. though i totally want one as well. so anyway, love that show - i mean we're currently on season 6, and i have to say it's so hilarious because i think most of the girls are real ugly... like not fugly, but close. and yet all the judges are all 'oh gina's so pretty, we love her face'.... it's like what are you people, blind as well as stupid? but they've also got recaps on tonnes of other shows... they did 'Big Love' for example, which was so funny. i started watching that with a fully open mind - i mean, if people wanna have multiple spouses and make that work, more power to them. but i gotta say - while the idea of multiple partners isn't like repulsive or anything, the way this multiple marriage worked was LAME. basically you get all the worst bits of relationships - extra politics, extra jealousy, extra cat fighting, extra chores, extra children, extra grocery shopping... and less of the good bits! ok people, use your imagination, you know what the good bits are. yum. so yeah - the dude fully had to use viagra to 'handle' his three wives, which to me, kinda defeats the purpose. i did love the fact that a shoe company sponsored the show... their promo linked to one episode was 'buy 2 get 1 free'... brilliant! shame they were tacky shoes, but then again... hellowww Mormon fashion!!!

Wrongful Accusation

Was watching teevee and I saw a news segment about this poor woman working as a zoo helper who'd been mauled to death by a leopard while she was cleaning its cage. Very sad, I'm sure. But that's not what made me laugh. What made me laugh was: [onscreen: image of a leopard pacing in its cage] Audio: The woman was mauled by a leopard, similar to this one... I can't wait for the next piece of quality photojournalism... [onscreen: a random man, walking down the street] Audio: The bank was robbed by a man, similar to this one... Or perhaps: [onscreen: a small firecracker] Audio: Hiroshima was blown up by a huge atomic bomb, similar to this one... Oh now that's just bad taste! Off to bed with no dessert...

Damn Stupid People...

But just to add to my last post... I also hate stupid people! Actually I hate them more than big companies that do stupid stuff, because usually I have to interact with the stupid people more. I'm mainly thinking about stupid people who say things like this guy did: "You hit the nail on the head with vodafone being an offshore company. If you pay vodafone, most of your money you pay goes offshore. However if you pay telecom, a lot of it stays in NZ, as Telecom is now largely owned by NZ mum and dad shareholders. I am surprised that telecom don't do more marketing to emphasize this point." (yeah because little_wanky_whinger_11 has a degree in economics and international finance and understands the intricacies of offshore companies, dividend distribution and national wealth) or people who say stuff like this: "You maybe correct that a typical user would not be concerned by this restriction [GS - i.e. to have to top up min $20 on prepay every 3 months] but it would suck if it was you who lost $100 because you didnt put $20 in every 3 months. You might have gone overseas. Could be hospitalised. You could be extremely busy and simply forgot." (yeah, because Uncle Vodamoan should really be looking out for stupid_ass_999's best interests instead of making money like any other normal profit making company does) Yeah, so I SEW hate stupid people. But I also love them. Because it gives me something to bitch and moan about, and also to make lots of very very funny sarcastic comments. Which makes my friends, who are equally sad and twisted, laugh and like me more. I don't have a lot of friends though. Probably because I don't like stupid people. Word.

Damn Big Companies...

Ok, two four six eight, how do we fucking hate... companies that do bloody stupid things that make absolutely no sense and basically don't correspond to exactly what i want them to do. ok, the story goes like this... vodamoan has introduced a new deal for prepay customers, you stay on prepay but you can add-on 'best mate' calling to one VF number - so unlimited calls/txts to them for $6/month, or add-on 2000 VF-VF txts for $10. Now... their on account customers can't access anywhere NEAR as good a deal - they can only get 1000 txts for $10... and they're all on fixed term contracts. Which means they can't switch to this prepay deal anyway. Ok... this guy has said all this way better than me: http://www.geekzone.co.nz/sbiddle/1648 Go read his blog entry. Seriously. It's good! But from my perspective - it's all cool, coz basically i'm gonna get a second sim card, use a second cellphone (yeah, lame ass i know) and basically save myself like $500 a month. ok not that much. but i'm hoping. this also means i'll soon be able to afford that condo in hawaii with my own resident boy toy bringing me margaritas (frozen, plain, lotsa crushed ice, salt on the rim) on the beach. so enjoy my posts while they last, yeah?

Somewhere beyond the sea.....

okay i am so sick of all these doomsday people out there. Th latest issue..?? Apparently "we" have been overfishing the oceans of the world and apparently in 2050 there are not gonna be any more fish in the sea. all together now...*ooohhhhhhhh*. okay now if you are going to make a totally ridiculous statement like that at least give us a solution. but no ..no solution was discussed. We are higher up in the food chain that the poor wee fishies so all you fishies out there...get in mah belly.

 

Who are these so called scientists who come up with all this shite? I mean is there a department in every university that is funded to only research things that have no real value? Other than the department of philosophy. There is always a weekly study that comes up with ridiculous stuff like that. Bloody academics.

 

On a sadder note Belinda Emmett died today from bone cancer. I liked her. She always seemed happy even though she was wasting away in the last few years. My sympathies to Rove and her family. 

Disambiguation

Hee... ok i love the fact that wikipedia has introduced me to such a cool term... disambiguation i mean. like that is SEW cool. ok what i mean by SEW cool is like the accent that mia whatserface used in that movie... romy and michelle's high school reunion. ok that movie was HELLA funny. so good. i invented post-its. ok, go rent it, hello, why are you still sitting her on your lard ass reading this blog? oh - because of my scintillating prose and talent for suspense? you're right, i don't even know my own power. anyway the real point was disambiguation, between two very special words... be-yatch and be-yotch. or, to spell them more formally, beatch and beotch. i only added the y's for the imbeciles who can't read and pronounce accurately without like phonetic spelling. like americans, y'know. anyway, my theory is this... a beatch is your little run around ho... the one who brings you a double shot latte half trim half soy no foam only cinnamon on top. a beotch is someone who's like hella rude but you're too cool and sexy to say bitch. plus the benefit of saying beotch is that you get to pout your mouth in a sexy little way, and not stretch your lips and damage the botox. coz we all have botox. oh and one last rant... what's with hotels with shite showers... you know, weak water pressure, not enough heat, small showerheads. listen people, i know there's a water crisis, but let's face it... none of us really gives a flying fuck about the state of the environment when we haven't managed to have a decent shower in the morning. so don't leave me little signs about re-using the towels to reduce on laundry powder pollution in our world's water supply. just get a little more of that precious polluted water flowing through my damn showerhead in the morning. PUMP IT, BITCHES!

Lucky Number Slevin......

......

okay worst title for a movie this year goes to.......you guessed it. So they changed the name of the movie here to "The Wrong Man". ohh ohh that sounds so much more intriguing. I don't get the movie studios. They have all this money and that is the best title they could come up with. Why not pay me to come up with titles. Seriously i will even do it for free if i could see a free movie every week.

 

But see the thing is i actually liked the movie. It was great. Though the two ladies in front of me walked out 10 minutes into the movie complaining that there was too much violence and that someone got shot in every scene in the first 10 minutes. Listen Be-yatches if the trailer for the movie shows people getting shot and the movie rated R16 then...ummmm i don't know maybe there will be violence in the movie. They looked like a couple of Bogan chicks anyway. They probably needed to go buy some black Metallica t-shirts and some black tapered jeans. Watch out Target here they come and they are gonna spend at least $10 a t-shirt. Its only the best for them.  

 

Like the other time a couple of years ago when the trailer for Kill Bill 2 was showing at the cinemas and after watching the whole trailer with Uma Thurman saying how she would get revenge, the dumbass behind me asks her bogan boyfriend " was Uma Thurman in the first movie?".  Sigh.......

I brought SEXy BAck.......

....and all i got was store credit.  

 

Hmmm...anyway so i was cruising youtube the other day and found this hilarious ad from india.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=eKdkAIDMhis

 

Not bad. Not bad at all. Better than some of the crap that is on tv lately. Can you say McLeod's Daughters? seriously that is the worst frickin' show ever. How come they take away a good show like the Glass House and leave stuff like McLeods Daughters on. Oh well obviously i wouldn't know as no one asked me so i will put my 2 cents in anyway. See the way i see it, I am young and like to spend money on useless things and i like The Glass House so the tv people should listen to what i say. And i say Fuck those oldies at ABC....time for some new blood.

 

FIGHT THE POWER

Fireworks

Ok how stupid is this? The government wants to BAN fireworks because there are hoodlum teens going around throwing fireworks in people's mailboxes and starting fires. And, quelle shocking, there are FIVE TIMES more fires during Guy Fawkes than normal times... so the poor fire service is hella busy too. So the answer to this shocking vandalism.... BLAME fireworks.

Oh it also turns out that youth who have been out on the turps are getting unruly when drunk. And, quelle terrible, there have been assaults on policemen, violent crimes and hospital visits! So the answer to this shocking vandalism... BLAME drinking.

In an unrelated anecdote, I re-watched South Park: The Movie recently. The children there watched an R-rated flick and picked up all sorts of bad potty mouth language and used it recklessly. And, quelle horror, they used it against their school teachers and parents! So the answer to this shocking vandalism... BLAME canada.

There's a pattern here but I can't see it past all this ganja smoke...

Science vs Religion - ooh controversy!!!

I quite enjoyed reading Richard Dawkins... raging atheist, who has a really great witty edge. He obviously has something to say ('something to prove' as the religious would say) and he says it very well.

There appear to be two ends of the spectrum... the religious folk who deny all science (flat earth society, anyone?) and the scientists who deny all religiosity (Richard Dawkins, it's almost you!).

While Richard is certainly more on the latter end of the spectrum, he does allow the smallest pimpernel, the tiny imp of the profoundly unknown and mysterious.

Either way, I really liked this interview. Fun Fun Fun.

http://www.geocities.com/ResearchTriangle/Facility/4118/misc/dawkins.html

Chinese Imports...

Heard the most stupid news the other day... Greenies are raising concerns that it is inappropriate to be purchasing large volumes of Christmas crackery from China, 'given the lack of humane conditions' in that country. Fascinating.

 

So what they have an issue with are the low wages, low safety levels and lack of employment benefits. All of which go towards the low cost structure of Chinese industry, which in turn give it an advantage when competing for the high price elasticity market that is Christmas crackery. Which is the only way the Chinese will be able to EXPORT anything in the first place, because who would want their products if they cost more than locally produced...? And and and... if they can't export anything, Dr. Economics, then HOW will they earn enough dollars to actually advance economically?

 

It's called international trade economics, fckwits!